Offbeat: It's how you play the game

I'm going to start posting some old columns from the Page News and Courier as time permits. These are a little tougher to do since I have to type them in. I will not make any changes so these are a bit unvarnished. I think I was better about getting in a few laugh lines since these were supposed to be funny. This one was published sometime in 1989.

The way someone plays a game can tell you just about everything you need to know about him or her.

As some of you may not be aware, I have a degree in game psychology from the H. Ed Shrinker Correspondence School and Deli. I think it’s a degree — it says 37 Celsius on it.

The way you behave during a game says a lot about you as a person. Or maybe it doesn’t. I don’t know. The only thing Mr. Shrinker taught me was how to make a good club sandwich.

Monopoly has probably started more fights than Philadelphia Flyers goalie Ron Hextall. Okay, maybe not.

You might note at this point that I am being quite ambivalent as of late. It’s a characteristic they say the post-Baby Boom generation (1965-1973) seems to be exhibiting. But I don’t think that’s true. Or maybe it is.

Back to Monopoly. The game can give you a good indication about which of your friends you can go to for a loan. The people who end up making you mortgage everything you own on the board to pay off a hotel bill on Boardwalk are louts. I always prefer to bleed my prey dry by forcing them to surrender choice properties to me one by one.

These days, Trivial Pursuit is in vogue. Whoops, I’m sorry, that was 1986. Gee, time flies.

But I recall an evening last fall when a number of us were playing Trivial Pursuit. Personally, I like one-on-one Trivial Pursuit because it is the ultimate test. At the very least, each person playing should have a piece. I don’t go for this team business.

Anyway, it was four-on-four and my team was facing a stern challenge from two former staff writers and the general manager of this esteemed publication. Every time my team finally got to roll, we kept hitting “Arts and Literature,” which should be subtitled, “We knew you didn’t study in 11^th grade English and now you will pay for it.”

We’d get about five seconds to answer and then certain impatient people would start moaning about what was taking so long. Meanwhile, I think I was able to read about half of “War and Peace” before the other team decided that there were three “commonwealths” in the United States. There are actually four.

During a later question, the same general manager and Robert Woodrum began doing impressions of the “Swedish Chef” while the other former staff writer was pondering a geography question about Sweden. He wasn’t too impressed.

It might be added that this general manager also likes to ring in early when he plays “Jeopardy!” on the Nintendo, but don’t quote me on this. He is a good “Password” player, by the way. We once had three correct answers in a row.

Most games only get irritating when someone is not playing fair. But there is a game out there which has irritation written all over it. That game is “Pit.”

Okay, I’ll admit it. I have been an aficionado of this game every since we played it on a field trip to Washington when I was a freshman in high school. We brought it along to irritate people, but by the time we got to Springfield, a bunch of us were hooked.

“Pit” is intended to resemble the Chicago Commodities Exchange. It is played by three to seven people, and the more players, the more obnoxious it can get. For each player, a set of nine cards such as “Wheat 100,” “Corn 75” and “Flax 40” are put into play. Two more cards, “Bull” and “Bear,” are also used.

And let’s not forget the most irritating thing about this game — the bell. It is the same type they have at many business establishments and usually no one comes to help until you’ve rung it eight or 10 times. The bell, by the way, is painted an ugly orange shade.

After the dealer hands out the cards, he rings the bell and says, “Trading is open,” or “Duck and cover.” Immediately, people begin shouting “three, three” or “two, two” as they trade cards until someone has all nine of one type. The he hits the bell about 20 times to tick the other players off. Not to mention parents who aren’t impressed at 2 a.m.

Fights can erupt over such things as knocking the bell out of someone else’s way while trying to get rid of the “bear” and two people going for it at the same time.

There are rules for “silent trading,” but they still require the bell. After all, it wouldn’t be fun otherwise.