Cheesed off

So the European Union wants American food manufacturers to stop using words like Parmesan and feta to describe cheeses made here in the United States.

The Associated Press reports that this request has come as part of negotiations for new trade agreements between the old and new worlds. The EU says allowing American-made cheeses to carry those names, as well as others like Asiago, Gorgonzola and Romono, confuses consumers and hurts sales of European products.

I’d say the EU is full of baloney on this one, but it might want the word “bologna” back as well.

According to reporter Mary Clare Jalonick, who wrote the AP story on this issue earlier this week, Black Forest ham, Greek yogurt, Valencia oranges and prosciutto are other terms that the Europeans could endeavor to reclaim.

When I first saw this story, I wanted to make sure it wasn’t something out of the Onion. Speaking of which, I’m guessing if the U.S. goes along with this, we’ll probably be hearing from Bermuda next.

While changing the names of meats and cheeses sounds like a far-fetched request, and you’d think nations in the New World would just tell the EU to pound sand, some Central American countries and Canada have already acceded to the European demands. In the case of feta, Canada has agreed to market non-European versions under mouth-watering names like feta-like or feta-style, and will also refrain from using"Greek-like lettering" on the packaging.

There’s probably a joke about bacon vs. Canadian bacon to be made here, but since I really like their coffee and beer, I’m going to take a pass.

These names have now transcended their origination, and to capitulate on this issue will lead to only MORE confusion among American consumers. And in many cases, the connection is tenuous at best.

For instance, I had no idea that there is a region of France in the Vosgian mountains where there is  an abbey called “Munster.” All I know is that my grandmother’s recipe for pizza calls for Muenster cheese (notice the extra “e”) because it melts better and has more taste than mozzarella. If it has been called Muenster long enough that it’s used in a recipe that goes back at least 75 years, then I don’t need the EU telling me (or Dietz and Watson) to stop using the name.

And these names extend well beyond the deli. Thanks to “Jeopardy!” I know that Italian immigrants began using the word “cantaloupe” for muskmelons because of their similarity. I’m sure the EU wants its cantaloupe back too, even though the ones grown here are probably ten times better.

Our Smarties are different than their Smarties. And their Kit Kats are made by Nestle, not Hershey (can you imagine?), but the world has not collapsed.

U.S. Senate Democrats and Republicans, who agree on almost nothing, have found common ground fighting the EU request. The AP says a bipartisan group of 55 senators have written U.S. Trade Representative Michael Froman and Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack to ask that they resist requests to change the long-standing names associated with these foods.

This issue isn’t small potatoes. American-produced cheese is a $4 billion a year industry, according to the AP. Trying to get producers together to come up with standardized new names for these products is probably impossible.

Considering freedom of speech issues that would come along with this, I cannot imagine we’ll see food police penalizing grocery store managers for the use of words like scallion and Parmesan. It seems like a giant leap for Europeans to tell Americans what they can call their edibles.

But if we can use this issue for some consensus building in the Senate, then I am all for fending off the threat, as unlikely as it is.